Secret Affairs of the Heart
by FeralShadowwolf
Summary: When Derek tells Meredith that he's leaving Addison and she still says it won't happen as she's with Finn, it just takes a drunken night with Derek to confuse Meredith further. MerDer the timing is slightly different to the show.
1. Falling Down

"Meredith!" Derek Shepherd shouted, running after Meredith down the hospital staircase. "Meredith!"

"What?" She hissed, spinning suddenly. "What could you possibly have to say to me?"

"I… I'm so sorry. It just happened." Derek defended.

"No Derek, it didn't just happen. I confided in you as a friend, what we both agreed to be, and you took advantage of that. We are not a couple anymore, you are married and I'm with Finn." Meredith steamed. She continued storming down the stairs. After Finn and Meredith had had a fight last night and all previous friends were comforting George at that time, the only friend she could turn to was Derek. Big mistake – of course, she had only realised that after he kissed her. She didn't resist at first, but Meredith realised that doing that then would have only screwed up her screwed up life even further.

"Meredith! Hey, wait a second!" He grabbed her elbow, twisting her around to face him. "That's not entirely fair! I didn't see you pushing me away right away, it was just a temporary lapse, it won't happen again."

"No, it won't. I was right in the first place. We can't be friends, this is just a ridiculous situation." She paused. "We can't… I think we just need to not talk to each other for anything other than professional reasons."

"Meredith…" Derek sighed; he'd been here before.

"No, Derek, I mean it this time. I think that it would just be easier for both of us if we just didn't see each other any –" Derek kissed her. They held it each briefly, slowing breaking off, but staying close. "-more." She finished. Taking a breath, she moved back. "And that would be why."

"Meredith, I'm leaving Addison." Derek whispered, stepping closer to her and placing his hand on her waist softly. Meredith pushed it away.

"Why, so we can resurrect this screwed up relationship? Derek, if you're doing this for me, don't. I'm with Finn now, and I'm happy." She ran her fingers through her hair.

"If you're so happy, then why do you keep kissing me?" He smiled devilishly. Meredith rolled her eyes. "All I'm asking is for a chance. A while ago, I made a huge mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. Please, don't do the same." Derek caressed her face gently. Meredith held onto his hand for a moment and then let them drop. "I'm with Finn. Goodnight Dr. Shepherd." Then she walked out, into the rain.


	2. Let Me Go

You love me but you don't know who I am,  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand,  
You love me but you don't know who I am, so let me go… let me go…

Listening to the rhythm of '3 Doors Down' in her bedroom in the wee hours of the moring, Meredith pondered over Derek. And Finn. But mostly Derek, which worried her. Let me go. Over the past few weeks since their chat on the staircase, some huge changes had happened at the hospital. Izzy had quit and left Seattle, she said she needed a change of scenary, away from the memories of Denny, which made the house, and Alex, quieter than usual. Callie had moved in with George, so no matter where Meredith went in the house, all she heard were happy squeals of delight, for one reason or another. And perhaps, most importantly, Derek had left Addison, the two were a week away from a divorce. Since then, Derek had been sending Meredith thousands of bouquets of flowers, chocolates and phone messages – none of which she had replied to.

Understandably, when Finn came round, he noticed the flowers and the chocolates, but accepted that they were from George to Callie. However, as Derek called and left a message as Finn was in the house, he began to get a little suspicious. She was having so much fun with Finn, but with Derek, it was potentially destructive, but still something… else.

I dream ahead to what I hope for  
And I turn my back on loving you  
How can this love be a good thing  
When I know what I'm going through

The sun had long since risen, but the rain eternally pounded her window. As she stared out into the street, the whole world fell behind her. She looked over to her bed, and snuggled back underneath the covers for comfort.

In my head there's only you now,  
and this world falls on me,  
And in this world there's real and make believe,  
And this seems real to me.

"Morning." A voice said from her bed: she jumped and turned quickly to face her lover, resisting the urge to scream. Waking up the rest of the house was never a good option. Derek's face popped out from under the covers.

Meredith stared blindly at him, speechless. "Well, this can't be good."


	3. Morning Mistakes

"Meredith, maybe we should talk for a minute." Derek calmly suggested as she got dressed.

"No, I really think that we should **not** talk, and for God's sake, would you please get some pants on! How did this even happen?!?!" Meredith tried to keep from shouting, but it came out a really loud whisper.

"What, you don't remember? Did you drink that much?" Derek looked surprised. Silence held the room for a moment, and the smile faded from Derek's face. "Wait, are you saying that you don't remember asking me back to your place after the bar?"

"I asked you up to my place?" Meredith winced. "And you said yes?"

"I've been trying to talk to you for weeks now, you don't return my phone calls and then when I see you in the bar, I just… melt. I honestly didn't know you were drunk. For a drunk woman, you always look so sober." Derek smiled, still fully naked under her bed covers.

"This is no time to make jokes Derek, last night was a drunken, horrible mistake – this can't happen, in fact this can't be happening, obviously I'm still dreaming." Meredith started chanting to herself, 'Wake up! Wake up!'.

"You dream about me?" Derek smiled. "That's a good sign."

Meredith looked at her clock radio, rushed toward it, picked it up and said "Shit! Do you see this time? Cos you have to be out of here in precisely two minutes!"

"What's the rush?" Derek asked, propping up the pillows behind him and laying back down.

"The rush is that Finn is coming to pick me up for breakfast in 10 minutes and you have got to get out of here!" Meredith spoke loudly. A few seconds went by and there were no footsteps in the corridor. She was fine. Derek held her gaze for a few seconds and began to move out of the bed. "Thank you Derek, I really –", but instead of getting changed, he pulled her towards him and kissed her seductively, taking baby steps back to the bed. "Derek, I –", but was stopped with hushing sounds.

"I want you. That is all I know." Derek rolled her over and lay atop of her while passionately kissing her. Meredith knew that this was a mistake, but it felt like the best mistake she would ever make. She slid her hands over his face and body, pulling herself up to him.

Suddenly the doorbell. They both looked at the door, and then back at each other. Derek brushed her hair out of her face and she looked up at him, almost lost. "You have to go."

"I will go, on one condition." He paused and kissed her. "I'm coming back tonight."

He didn't wait for an answer and slid off her to get dressed while she quickly ran downstairs to answer the door.


	4. Waffles

"Hey Finn!" Meredith said enthusiastically.

"Hey. You alright? You look a little… flustered." Finn said, kissing her as he came in.

"No, I'm fine. Rough night." She half-lied and mentally kicked herself for saying that.

"Oh, ok, well are you ready for breakfast? I'm thinking waffles." Finn smiled.

"Sure, sounds great." She smiled, having a naked Derek get dressed upstairs in the back of her mind. "Let's go."

"Wait, before we go, do you mind if I use your bathroom?" Finn asked.

Meredith froze. _Oh crap! _"Sure…" _Breathe. There's a bathroom on the bottom floor. _"It's just down the hall."

"I know." He threw her a surprised look and continued down the hall. Now was the perfect opportunity to go and check on Derek and sneak him out.

She ran upstairs as fast and quietly as she could, and entered her room. "Derek?" She whispered. "Derek?"

"Over here." He came out of the bathroom. "Did you get rid of him?"

"No, he's using the bathroom, you've gotta go now before Callie and George wake up!" Meredith whispered, hurrying him out.

"Ok, chill." He cupped her face and kissed her forehead.

"So not the time!" He grabbed his hand and ran down the stairs. Just as they got the bottom of the staircase, the bathroom toilet flushed. Meredith frantically looked around – "In here!" She threw a surprised Derek into the cupboard and grabbed her coat.

Finn saw the cupboard close. "Whatchya in there for?"

"Oh, just grabbing my coat!" Meredith breathed. "Ready?"

"Yeah, about that. I was thinking that maybe we could have breakfast here, and then maybe…" He trailed off suggestively, slipping his hands around her waist.

_Oh God! _"Well, that would be nice, but I really had my heart set on waffles." She sheepishly smiled.

"I will make them for you." Finn smiled and kissed her. "I'll go get started." And he headed for the kitchen.

Meredith waited until he was completely gone and went inside the cupboard. "You don't like waffles!" Derek smiled.

"Shut up. He's not leaving, so you have to go now!" Meredith whispered. She pressed her ear to the door to make sure Finn wasn't there.

Derek slid his hand up her leg, "You know I've never done it in a cupboard." He turned her around and pressed her up to the door.

"And you're not about to. Let's go." Meredith quietly opened the door and sneaked to the front door, pushing him out of the house.

"See you tonight!" He whispered just before she shut the door, Meredith didn't even have a chance to protest.


	5. New Week, Same Life

**Thank you so much Twilight and Silence, natzbadfairy, supershipper, sara, Greys has become my life, lutine, aleksa grey and greypilgrim26 for the reviews. You guys keep me going!**

Monday morning. A new day, a new week. Changing in the locker room, Meredith had absolutely nothing on her mind except the McDreaminess of last night, and the complete mess she had landed in because of it. She had chosen Finn. Finn.

"This will not go any further with Derek." Meredith told herself as Christina walked in.

"Hey." She greeted, but was rudely ignored. "Uh, hello?" She waved a hand in front of Meredith's face.

"Oh, sorry. Hi." Meredith feebly smiled.

"What's in your head?"

"Finn." She lied.

"Ah, and how goes it with the vet?" Christina smiled.

"Great. Good." Meredith said, looking to her shoes and twiddling her fingers.

"Not so good?" Christina pried.

"No, good. Well, not good, but not not good with Finn, good with Finn – great with Finn actually, but –"

"Seriously Mer, I am about to hit you." Christina warned, changing her top.

"I slept with Derek." Meredith confessed. "Twice."

Christina gasped. "You did the McNasty with McDreamy while seeing the vet?"

Meredith sighed. "No more 'Mc' jokes, please. This is a horrible, horrible situation, and I have done a horrible, horrible thing to Finn. Saturday was a drunken mistake, but Sunday was sorta my fault in the he-invited-himself-over way."

"And forced himself into your pants way." She smiled and Meredith nudged her.

"Evil." She did the evil eyes. "This is a horrible situation."

"You've said that." Christina said dryly.

"Hey, I'm in pain, I'm allowed to repeat." Meredith whined.

"Yeah, I can see how two unbelievably hot guys who both want to sleep with you can be painful." She rolled her eyes and headed for the door with Meredith following along.

"I could really use some friend-like support and advise now please." Meredith groaned.

"Meredith, I have rounds, so I will part from you with this advise –"

"Doctor Yang, does this look right to you?" A young resident interrupted with an x-ray.

Christina looked it over and replied, "That finger looks disjointed. Put it on a splint and it should heal in a few weeks." The resident nodded and moved off, as did Christina.

"Hey! What about my advice?" Meredith yelled after her.

Christina turned around. "Right. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." She smiled, knowing that would be of no help.

"I think I'm past that stage." She muttered to herself.

"Talking to yourself?" Derek said from behind, making Meredith jump. "You're jumpy this morning."

"I didn't get much sleep." She replied coldly and walked off, but could feel him following behind her.

"Hey, what did I do to deserve the cold shoulder?" Derek asked.

"Oh, I think you know." Meredith chuffed.

"So what, I'm to blame for us having sex?" He asked loudly.

Meredith looked around and dragged him into a storage closet. "Would you lower your voice?"

Derek looked around. "Haven't we done this before?" Meredith gave him a hard look. "What?" He smiled. "It's not like every person in the hospital doesn't know that we've slept together before."

"I have this new policy where I don't share my private life with the world of work." Meredith hissed. "While we are at work, you are Doctor Shepherd and I am Doctor Grey."

"And when we're not at work?" Derek smiled seductively.

"You're still married." She fake smiled.

"And you're still with Finn." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes."

"But you didn't tell him about our weekend?"

"No." Meredith replied.

"And you're not going to?"

"Right." She folded her arms.

"Now that doesn't seem very honest." Derek rested his arm on the door, trapping her against it.

"It won't happen again. Last night –"

"Don't forget about Saturday." He smiled.

"Saturday was a drunken mistake. Last night was closure." Meredith said.

"That's a little cold." Derek said, brushing her hair out of her face.

"And stop doing that!" She grabbed his hand, but he just used it to pull her closer. Their lips brushed against each other. "No." She breathed and moved away. "This isn't anything Derek, it's just stupid, meaningless sex. Finn loves me and –"

"And so do I." Derek blurted out. "I love you."

"Just words." Meredith sighed, and Derek was taken aback.

"So you believe it when Finn says it, but not me? Why would I lie?" Derek asked, his voice getting louder.

"Finn has never lied to me. He has never hurt me. He isn't married." Meredith said forcefully. "I can't trust what you say. I feel that anything I enter into with you will just be a journey of self-sabotage on your part, and I do not need that. Finn is fun, it's easier with him than it ever was with you."

A few seconds of silence went by. "Meredith," He clasped her hands in his own. "If nothing else, this I promise you. I will be divorced as of Wednesday, I love you so much I'm sick to think of you with anyone else and I will never, ever hurt you again."

She looked at him silently for a split second. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Derek." She opened the door and walked out, only to be greeted by lots of faces staring at her.


	6. Finn Finds Out

"So apparently you and Doctor Shepherd had quite the spat." Callie Torres said as Meredith came to see if she wanted to go and get some lunch.

"What? You know too?" Meredith groaned and held her head in the hands.

"Yep." She replied, flipping through her paperwork.

"The walls suck in this place." Meredith muttered. "So much for not sharing my life with the hospital."

"If it helps, the nurses outside all said he sounded sincere." Callie offered.

"Thanks." She replied dryly. "However, I came to ask you if you wanted to grab some lunch?"

"Oh, I'd love to, but the vet is here to see you." Callie smiled.

"What?" She spun round. "Here? Now? Where?"

"He's looking for you."

"Crap." Meredith moaned. "My life sucks."

"Uh-huh. Two delicious guys want to win you over. That **does** suck." Callie said sarcastically.

"That's the second time someone has said that to me today, and I'll tell you now, it is not as great as it seems. My stress levels are through the roof." Meredith defended.

"Aww," Callie mocked. "It's a shame you don't have two men who are willing to massage you every night. Oh wait! You do."

"Haha." Meredith replied dryly.

"Well, I better go and find Finn before one of the nurses –"

"Oh, there you are." Callie smiled.

"– tell him I slept with Derek." As Meredith thought that Callie was referring to George, there wouldn't have been a problem. However, of course it turned out to be Finn standing directly behind her.

"What?" Meredith spun round. "What?" He echoed.

"Oh God," Suddenly Meredith felt light-headed. "Finn."

Finn just looked at her, speechless. He felt utterly betrayed, and just walked away. "Finn, wait." She followed him away from Callie. "Wait!"

"For what, Meredith? For an excuse? A way to place the blame on someone else?" Finn replied angrily.

"No, that's not – what you heard, I –" Meredith started.

"I thought you were different." Finn shook his head, disappointed.

"I am!" Meredith pleaded.

"You know, maybe the reason you're weird and screwed up –"

"Dark and twisty." She interjected.

"Whatever. Maybe you're dark and twisty because you do stupid stuff like this. It's time to grow up Meredith and accept responsibility." He walked away and Meredith just looked shamefully to the floor.

Derek passed by Finn. "You!" He hissed. By the time Meredith looked up, Derek was on the floor and Finn's fist was clenched. Derek wiped the blood from his mouth and Finn looked back to her, angry and hurt and then walked out of the hospital. The staff returned to what they were doing and it was as if nothing had happened.

Derek looked at Meredith. She held his gaze for a moment; her eyes filling with remorse, regret and sadness. She wiped one tear away from her cheek and left. For once, Derek didn't follow her.


	7. Meredith's POV

**Thanks so much for the reviews – I hope I don't disappoint! **

**Meredith's POV**

"Finn. It's Meredith. Again." I laugh softly. "Will you please call me when you get this message. I'm really sorry." I hang up.

It's Wednesday night. I had drifted around work yesterday and today in a dream-like state, floating around the hospital. I had spent every moment of my free time on the roof, away from the judging faces that constantly stare at me. The roof was a release.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes with my tissue that had been my companion for the last ½ hour. I hadn't seen Finn since he sound out on Monday. I can't stop feeling guilty, it pumps through me like blood, leaving me hollow. I had let a perfect man go because of my selfishness and the fact that I am easily seduced by married men. What makes me feel worse about it though is that I don't want to rip my heart out and stomp on it the way I wanted to when Derek picked Addison. The grief over Finn is more guilt than anything else – but why? Finn is the perfect guy and I really wanted to love him, I tried so hard. But is it possible that he's not **my** perfect man?

The phone rings and I snatch it up. "Finn?" I asked hopefully.

"Close. Derek." A husky voice answered the phone.

"Oh." I reply sounding intentionally disappointed. I don't need this now. "How's the lip?"

"Fine. Healing nicely. Your boyfriend's got quite a punch." Derek said.

"He's not my boyfriend anymore." I sigh. I don't want to talk to you, I say to him silently.

"Oh?" He says cheerily. "Would I be right in guessing that his punching me is the result of you telling him about us?"

"There is no 'us', Derek! There is **no** us. I ruined a great relationship over a married man. And what's more, I really don't want to talk to you right now." I cry. "Go talk to your wife."

"She's not my wife anymore. It's Wednesday. The divorce was finalised this afternoon." Derek replied.

"Oh," I pause. "Ok."

"Ok?" Derek asked, perhaps hoping for a little more, but there was nothing more to say.

"Ok." I reply. "I've got to go."

"Meredith?" Derek says.

"Yes?" I answer.

"I'm sorry about Finn." He says, sounding sincere.

"No you're not." I smile. "But thanks for lying." I hang up.

How did my life come to this? I'm confused all the time. I have a just-divorced boss who I've slept with on numerous occasions and now wants to start a relationship, a man who is the perfect man and just broke up with me for sleeping with said man and a mother who doesn't know who I am most of the time. I feel like I'm suffocating all the time, drowning, and falling. I need space. I need to get away. Far away. I remember my mom used to say 'Running away never helps anything', but wouldn't it be nice if it did help? There's nowhere to run anyway, my problems would just follow me.

I need sleep. I'll deal with life tomorrow.


	8. Coffee and Pancakes

The scent of rich coffee wafted through Meredith's room, waking her up. A cup of coffee appeared in her face, accompanied by Derek. "Coffee?"

"What?" Meredith, still being half-asleep, was deeply confused. "Derek?"

"Morning." He knelt beside her bed, brushing her hair out of her face.

"How did you get in here?" Meredith groaned, propping her pillows behind her and sitting up.

"George let me in. Move over." Meredith groaned again and moved over. Derek sat beside her on top of her covers and handed her a coffee.

"Thanks." She took a sip and let the warm fluid fill her body. "I'm grateful for the coffee, but what are you doing here?"

"You sounded sad last night, I just wanted to come and see if you were alright." Derek shrugged, taking another sip of coffee.

"You couldn't have done that at work?" Meredith asked, sharing eye-contact. Derek stayed silent. "That's sweet. Thank you."

"No problem." Derek smiled. "I'll give you a lift to work if you want."

"Ok." She put her mug down on the bedside table. "Quick shower and I'm there."

"Ok. Breakfast?" Derek offered.

"Sure." Meredith smiled and entered the bathroom.

Derek headed downstairs and into the kitchen. "Right, pancakes." He muttered to himself. At that moment, George and Callie came into the kitchen. "Hey guys."

"Oh," Callie looked surprised. "Hi Doctor Shepherd. What brings you here?"

"Just making Meredith breakfast. You want some pancakes?" He offered.

"We'd love to, but we were just on our way out. I have some errands to run before work." George replied, looking at a somewhat distracted Callie.

"Ok. See you at work then." Derek replied and as he fiddled with the pots and pans beneath the sink, George and Callie left the house and stood outside on the porch.

"Am I mistaken, but isn't Meredith going out with Finn?" George asked, helping Callie put on her coat.

"Didn't you hear?" Callie asked. "Meredith slept with Derek and Finn found out. Where've you been?"

"Oh. Out of it apparently." George answered. "So now Meredith's with Derek?"

"I didn't think so, thus my surprise at seeing him here. Did you let him in?"

"Yeah." Callie gave him a look. "He bribed me with donuts!" He smiled.

"Come on," She hooked her arm around his. "Let's go."

The smell of pancakes floated up the staircase, drawing Meredith downstairs and into the kitchen after her shower had refreshed her.

"Smells good." She smiled.

"Tastes great." He replied, flipping the pancakes onto their plates and brought them to the table where Meredith sat.

Meredith stabbed the food with her fork and ate her fill, letting out a satisfying groan.

"Good?" Derek asked hopefully.

"Fantastic!" Meredith answered, stuffing more in her mouth.

Derek laughed. "I make the best pancakes from here to New York." He took a mouthful of pancakes.

"I believe you!" Meredith answered with a full mouth and Derek chuckled. "More coffee?" Meredith asked, already getting up to turn on the kettle.

"Please." Derek replied. "Let me help." He got up and got out the mugs while Meredith grabbed the coffee grounds and sugar.

"How do you remember where everything is?" Meredith laughed.

"Good question. I guess I've just spent a lot of time here." Derek answered. They waited while the kettle boiled almost in uncomfortable silence. Coffee was made and they sat back down to finish breakfast.

"So how are you holding up?" Derek asked. Meredith half-smiled, giving him the vibe that he was not the person she wanted to talk about it to. "Hey, if nothing else Meredith, I'm still your friend."

"Well, then I guess it's your lucky day. I'd talk to Christina about it, but she and Burke took off yesterday for that vacation they've been planning." Meredith replied. Derek just maintained a serious look.

Meredith sighed. "I'm fine I guess. Oddly fine, just…"

"What is it?" Derek gently pushed.

"I just feel really guilty. Constantly. All the time." Meredith looked down into her coffee, and dropped her fork. "And now here I am with you again, eating the world's best pancakes," Derek smiled. "And drinking coffee and it's almost like I've forgotten what's happened. Finn doesn't deserve that. I feel like I should be more upset." She sighed.

"I'm sorry." Derek said, still looking straight at her.

"Yeah," She sighed. "Me too." Meredith took her plate, threw her leftovers in the bin and loaded the dishwasher.

Derek silently did the same. "Do you regret what happened? With us, I mean."

Meredith avoided his gaze. "Why are you here Derek?"

"I told you." Derek reminded her.

"I know what you said, and I appreciate it. A lot. A lot, a lot. But what were you expecting? That you could sleep with me to distract me from Finn and then woo me with coffee and pancakes?" Meredith accused.

"Did it work?" Derek lightly joked.

Meredith shook her head. "Derek, Finn broke up with me because I hurt him. Like how Mark and Addison hurt you."

"That's different." Derek defended, his ego shaken.

"How?" Meredith asked. "How is it different?"

"We were together for 12 years, and we were married." Derek replied. There was no need for Meredith to reply.

"I just need some space. A lot of space." Meredith said calmly.

"Ok. I get it." Derek replied. "I'll wait for you."

Meredith smiled, bringing her hand up to touch his cheek. He smiled. "We better go, we'll be late."

They left the kitchen, put on their coats and opened the door. Finn stood there.

"Finn." Meredith said out of reflex. Finn just glanced from Derek to Meredith and back to Derek again. Meredith glanced at Derek. "Oh, no, Finn, it's not what it –"

He didn't let her finish, he just walked away and Meredith followed him.

"Finn!"

"Meredith!" Derek ran after her, into the pouring rain.

Meredith turned around. "Derek, leave me alone."

He stopped and watched Meredith run after the vet and watched as she caught up with him.


	9. Derek's POV

Thank you guys so much for the reviews – they mean so much. I only just recently got into Grey's, but who can resist Patrick Dempsey, Eric Dane and Chris O'Donnell 

I can see them just behind the bushes. He's listening to her, he still looks angry. Who could blame him? He sees Meredith and I coming out of her house in the morning, it's the only natural conclusion.

Meredith confuses me. I love that about her though, her spontaneousity. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, wild, tender. She drives me crazy. One minute we're eating pancakes and laughing and the next, she's running after Finn and telling me to piss off.

I can't believe I'm standing in the rain, soaked to the skin, watching Meredith pleading for this guy's forgiveness. She already said she doesn't love him, perhaps not verbatim, but close enough.

He caresses her face and my fist clenches, my stomach unsettled. She must know I'm over here. Finn just said 'I love you' and Meredith's crying. I can't bare to see her cry. This is my fault, I promised I'd never hurt her again, and inadvertently, I have.

But she hurt me too: she said that I was like that bastard, Mark. She doesn't understand, it's completely different – the woman I trusted and loved slept with my best friend. What's worse is that she fell in love with him.

Finn kisses Meredith and there was no resistance from her. 'I'm so sorry.' She says. 'Me too. I really do love you.' He replies.

Oh God. It's not different at all, is it? It's exactly the same. I'm Mark. I'm Mark. No! I'm not! The difference is that I fell in love with Meredith, which is something Mark's not capable of.

Finn walks off, quickly glancing at me. Meredith is not moving, but she's still crying. What do I do? Do I go over there? She looks up and turns back towards the house. Just as she passes me, she says, "You better be worth this."

Does that mean she chose me? After that, I just felt anger vibrating off her. Obviously, she's not ready to talk to me.

"Me too." I whisper when she's gone.


	10. Guilt

Meredith sat with her lunch at the hospital cafeteria, swirling the little wooden stick in her coffee and reflecting on this morning. Her guilt, although slowing residing, still overrun all other emotions – excitement for a new relationship, her loneliness without Christina or Izzie, and sadness over losing Finn.

Luckily, after driving herself to work, Derek hadn't shown up around any corners or patients that she had been helping. She'd never felt this guilty, she'd never done anything like this. Sure, there had been a few relationships that had turned sour before, and had even been cheated on before, but she had never been the cheater. She knew the pain that it wrought, the sorrow and anger. The guilt is overwhelming. Something happened though, and she didn't know when – it may have been over the pancakes, or Sunday night or maybe before that, but Meredith realised the reason that she was never really able to love Finn was because she had never fully recovered her heart from Derek. That's why she chose him, and like she said earlier, he better be worth it.

Lunch-break was just about over, and her pager starting beeping. She was being called to the on-call room and she could bet $1 million on who wanted her there. She took a deep breath a headed inside. She had to deal with the guilt… it was bound to go away eventually, right?


	11. An Old Lady's Regrets

"Hey." Derek said as Meredith entered the room. She closed the door but kept her distance.

"Hi." She replied, seemingly uncertain. "What am I doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you, about this morning. I'm not really sure what happened." He confessed.

"I chose you." Meredith answered. He smiled, but she couldn't share in his joy. "Look, Derek, I can't right now… I need space."

"You keep saying that." He half-smiled, showing his disappointment.

"I just feel so guilty right now, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I've never felt so bad." Meredith answered, leaning against the door in a defeatist attitude.

"And that's my fault." Derek replied, leaning against the wall. "I'm sorry."

"You keep saying that, but it doesn't help." Meredith held back her tears. "Besides, it was as much me as it was you."

"Meredith, I get that you're upset, but maybe this is just the way it was supposed to go." Derek reasoned. "You can't hate yourself forever, and you shouldn't." Meredith just stayed silent. "I'm here for you whenever you need to talk." And he walked to the door. Before he walked out, Meredith kissed him.

"Thank you." She smiled.

"Anytime." He replied, still holding her close, afraid to let go. Both pagers went off simultaneously, telling them both to get back to work.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

"Miss Leister," Meredith reported. "In her 80's and suffering from a stomach ulcer and tests have shown some cancerous cells. Dr. Shepherd has agreed to do the procedure to remove those cells."

"Good." Dr. Bailey stated. "Keep her on meds and we'll get her into theatre as soon as possible."

As the rest of the interns left the room, the frail old lady took hold of Meredith's arm in an agitated state. "It won't hurt, will it?"

"Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. We have the best doctors working on you." Meredith comforted her.

"Just in case," She said, taking a bunch of letters from her bedside table and giving them to Meredith. "Would you post these for me, dear?"

"You'll be able to post them yourself, Miss Leister." Meredith smiled.

"Please, call me Judy." She chuckled. "And actually, these letters only need to be mailed if I don't make it."

"Oh." Meredith hesitantly accepted them.

"Promise me you will mail them if I don't make it." Miss Leister held her hand pleadingly.

Meredith held her tongue for a moment, unsure of what to say. The look of desperation in her eyes though, was enough to sympathise with her situation. "I promise." Meredith smiled reassuringly.

"Thank you." She sighed, leaning back on her pillows looking relieved. "All the things in my life that I regret, I now wish I'd done them. Taken that job in India, explored Europe, never let my true love escape me." She sighed again. "There's nothing better in the world than feeling completely and utterly loved, only to love him back the same way." She looked to Meredith, who seemed to be lost in thought over Miss Leister's last sentence. "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, I'm holding you back."

"It's all right," Meredith smiled. "I'll be back to check on you later."

Miss Leister gave her a thankful smile and Meredith left, taking the letters with her.


	12. Derek's POV 2

Well, I told her that I'm here for her and I can give her space if that's what she needs. I've read the same file like ten times, and this is all I have on my mind. She chose me. I smile when I think about that, even if she doesn't. It's almost like it doesn't mean anything to her, like winning a stuffed dog instead of a stuffed cat at a faire – as long as she has one, it doesn't matter which. I know that it's just guilt though, she feels guilty. I wish that I could hold her and make her pain dissolve. But I know Meredith, she's a good-hearted person and she won't let it go easily. It's like she wants to punish herself, but I just wish that she would trust herself to be happy, preferably with me. She did choose me, so it would be great to think that her future happiness had something to do with that.

There was a time when she loved me as much as I love her now, and I destroyed that. I chose a marriage over love, and every single day I regret it. Now more than ever. Now, when I look at her, I don't see the longing I used to see, I see the regret of what we did to Finn. Will that ever go away?

Oh God, there she is, standing by the counter. Her long silk hair masking her beautiful face – what I would give to stroke her hair and caress her face. She said she wants space. I can do that. I don't have to go over there. Self-restraint. No problem.

Addison said that she's moving back to New York, so that's a load off my mind. Having my ex-wife here, watching me as I try to get my girlfriend back might have proven awkward. Come to think of it now, I have no idea why I chose Addison over Meredith. I suppose I thought that I could make my marriage work, make myself love her the way I once did.

Meredith, I inwardly sigh, watching her as she pick up the phone. If she needs space, how much space? For how long? When should I ask her to dinner? More importantly, when will she start looking at me the way she used to?


	13. Meredith's POV 2

Doctor Montgomery – not Doctor Montgomery Shepherd anymore, thank God – announced that she would be leaving Seattle Grace in the next couple of weeks, so that's a load off my mind. She did stare at me rather harshly when she said it though. No doubt she thinks that its my fault that her husband chose me over her. I guess it kinda is.

"Dr. Grey?" A woman at the nurse's station calls.

"Yes?" I answer, approaching her desk.

"There's a telephone call for you." She handed the phone over to me. Confused as who would be calling me at work as no one I know has my work number, I accept the call.

"Hello?" I press my ear to the phone.

"Is that Dr. Grey?" A woman's voice hollers down the phone.

"Yes." I reply, clutching the phone close.

"Ah, this is Dr. Newsome from the medical home." She informs me. Oh God, I hold my breath. Mom.

"Is my mother all right?" I ask hurriedly, imagining a thousand different scenarios of what could have happened to her.

"Um, I'm afraid not." She sighed. "Your mother's illness has been deteriorating. She has become violent, very violent. We've had to strap her down permanently at night and have been giving her constant sedatives during the day."

Oh God. I feel ill. My eyes are welling up, I can't stop it. This is my mother, my mother! How did it get to this point? "Will she recover from this?"

"We've been giving her continuous therapy. On some days, she shows improvement and awareness of her surroundings, but it never lasts long. On other days, she doesn't respond at all and insists on seeing her patients at the hospital." She sighs again. That's really not helping. "Dr. Grey, violence has not been a trait of your mothers until this point, so I can't promise anything. I called to suggest that you come and visit more often. In many of these cases, familiar people really help."

I wipe a tear back as it falls. "um," My voice cracking under the emotional pressure. "As a surgeon, my schedule's always unpredictable, I'm almost always busy." I can't see her like that anymore, it's too much for me to handle alone. I'm only one person.

"But Miss Grey –" She protests.

"I'm sorry, I really must go." I interrupt and hang up the phone, running to the nearest storage closet to hide my uncontrollable tears from falling in front of everyone.


	14. Never Leave Me

As Meredith hung up the phone, she was unaware that Derek stood close by, watching her as she spoke on the phone. Derek could tell that Meredith was seconds away from tears as she ran away, and he realized that now was the time that she needed someone.

He followed her into a closet, where he found her curled up on the floor, crying her heart out. She looked up at him, temporarily stopping herself from crying. He just sat beside her and held her in his arms protectively, hushing her sobs.

"I can't deal with this," She wept. "My mother, she's so ill."

He stroked her hair, calming her with his loving care. "It's all right," He said soothingly. "I'm here."

Derek simply held Meredith as she released all the burdens she had been carrying. Finn, her mother, her life in general – it all pooled out into one big mess, weighing her down. Derek stroked her hair, gently swaying her backwards and forwards, kissing her forehead. She felt so comfortable there, the way she'd always wanted to feel – loved and protected. All these emotions of how it used to be welled up again – how much she loved him, how much she was willing to give up for him.

After a few minutes of silent weeping, Meredith finally looked up to Derek's blue eyes. She knew, right then, that he loved her as much as she did. He was hers completely – her perfect match, her one true love, her best friend and soulmate. All that she could tell just from the way he looked at her. Sweetly, he kissed her; telling her how she could always trust him, how he would always love her and that he would never leave her side.

"Never leave me." She whispered, taking comfort in his embrace.

"Never." He whispered, kissing her forehead once more.


	15. Guilt and Regret

After her complete collapse in the closet, Meredith felt released. She felt stronger now than she had before, now that it had all come out. With her mind strongly focused on work, she realised that she needed to take things as they come, one at a time.

"Miss Leister," Meredith greeted her patient, picking up her chart. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, you can't keep an old bird like me down for long." She smiled, but Meredith knew she was just covering up her nerves.

"Well, don't worry. You're booked in to the OR at 2pm and you're gonna be just fine." Meredith put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Thank you, dear." She replied. "I only wish John were here, he could always make me feel safe."

"Is John your partner? I could call him if you like." Meredith offered.

"No, I'm afraid that's not possible dear. John was the love of my life back when I was a young girl like yourself. Oh, he was a handsome man, kind and funny, and I fell in love with him completely and utterly." She chuckled to herself. "But, this was 1942 and he was in the navy. We both knew the risks. And as much as I loved him, well…" Miss Leister sighed. "I was the independent, headstrong type. I thought that if we were together, he would be distracted in the line of duty, that he would get hurt. So I told him what I had to, that we couldn't be together, that I didn't love him anymore." Tears began rolling down her face. "Well, as you can imagine, he was angry. He couldn't accept it – he knew that as I said these words, my heart was breaking as well as his. But I told myself that I had to be strong, and I forced him away." Meredith handed her a tissue and she gently wiped away her tears. "He died in the war a few weeks later."

"I'm so sorry." Was Meredith's only reply.

"I blame myself, you know. The guilt of having left the man I love, having hurt him so badly. It's hardly worth living with." She sniffled.

"So, why do you?" Meredith asked, dazed by her story.

Miss Leister looked at her. "Because, I wake up some mornings and I swear he's beside me, forgiving me. The one biggest regret in my life was giving up John. I should have cherished every single moment, not wasting them worrying about the future. Guilt maybe powerful, but regret over losing the one man that made me happy is a far worse punishment. If nothing else, trust me on this, dear."

Meredith soaked up all of Miss Leister's words, reaching her nerves deep inside. Derek. "I'll be back a little later to check on you."

Meredith left the room, taking a moment to catch her breath. It had all become clear. She had chosen Derek because she was in love with him, so horribly in love. And Miss Leister was right. If she didn't do anything about it now, she would regret it forever. Through all of his faults – and hers as well – she had always known that Derek was the one. The only one. She would always be sorry about Finn, but she couldn't stop her life for it. He would find someone else, someone better for him, he would move on. Derek was here and now, for her, and unless she wanted to become Miss Leister in 50 years time, Meredith knew that she had to be true to herself. She was in love with Derek.


	16. A Happy Ending

Meredith pulled up at Derek's trailer slowly, unsure of what to say. She had thought about him all day after seeing Miss Leister, but she hadn't seen him. She turned off the car engine, took a deep breath and walked to the trailer door.

She knocked and a second later, the door opened. "Meredith." Derek said, surprised.

"Hi." She smiled.

"Hi." Once again, his McDreamy smile made her go weak at the knees. "You wanna come in?"

"Yeah." She smiled, following him in. A few comfortable seconds of eye contact passed, and Meredith realised she had to say something. "Firstly," She breathed. "I want to thank you for this afternoon. Thank you for just being there. It all just crumbled down and I needed support."

"Anytime you need someone I'm there." Derek replied.

"Which brings me to my next point." Meredith smiled feebly. She rushed up to him and kissed him passionately. "I'm in love with you."

"Well good, because I'm in love with you." He smiled, while stroking her hair, happy to be holding her in his arms.

"I choose you." Meredith said.

Derek kissed her once more, softly. "You will never regret it."

"I know." She whispered.


	17. Epilogue

"Can I help you?" A tubby woman at the reception desk asked.

"Yes. I'm here to see Ellis Grey." Meredith replied quietly, twiddling her fingers nervously.

"Ok. Your name please?" The woman said.

"Meredith Grey. I'm her daughter." She breathed. "I called earlier?" Derek had persuaded her to come and see her mother, but now she was thinking that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. It was too hard. Her whole life, she had tried to be the kind of daughter her mother would have liked, the kind of woman and now the kind of surgeon. Meredith was afraid that her role model, the woman she had always looked up to, her mother, was damaged beyond a doctor's repair. But most of all, Meredith was afraid of becoming her.

"Ok, follow me please." The receptionist instructed, and they walked into the common room, which was filled with all the mentally ill patients admitted to the centre. "She's over there." The woman pointed to the far corner of the room, where Ellis Grey sat in a wicker chair staring into space. "Dr. Newsome would like to see you, would you stay here a second?" With a nod from Meredith, the lady waddled off.

A moment later, Dr. Newsome appeared. "Dr. Grey?"

"Yes." Meredith shook her hand.

"I'm glad you're here." She looked to Ellis. "Well, your mother is stable for the time being. She's been calm since we told her you were coming. I really appreciate this, and I know this is hard, but your mother really needs you. With her condition, sometimes it's hard to see it, but she loves you so much. She talks about you all the time, she is very proud of you."

Meredith could feel the tears welling up, but smiled at her mother who looked so much like a fragile child. "Thank you Doctor." Meredith said, and began walking to her mother. Each step was harder to take than the last.

"Hi mom." Meredith knelt down to be face to face with her mother.

Her mother took a minute to connect. She put her cold hand on Meredith's face and smiled. "You've grown up."

Meredith let a tear slip down her cheek, laughing. "Yeah, I guess I have."

THE END


End file.
